why is everything so heavy?

One year ago today my husband and I were driving to Camden, NJ for an Incubus concert to celebrate my birthday (early). I had been deciding between two different concerts for weeks prior until we ultimately decided we should just go to both.

During that car ride to the first concert, I began researching tickets for the second concert, a second trip to NJ for the Linkin Park concert just a week and a half later. But when I typed Linkin Park into the Google search bar to pick the perfect tickets.. there it was, the news.

Chester Bennington had committed suicide earlier that day. I was shocked. While I obviously did not know him personally, I had spent the last eighteen years of my life listening to his music. I spent hours listening to his beautiful screaming voice allowing him to get all of my anger out for me, listening to the more mellow music just feeling hopeful for the future. They grew with me and my problems over many years. Even recently as an adult.

With every celebrity death – whether from natural, accidental, or intentional causes – there are people that feel affected by it. Sometimes it is because they felt like they could relate to them, or because they listened to their music everyday, or because they both had cats with the same name. Whatever it is, it leaves a mark on many lives.

Since that day, I have learned a lot about myself. I listen to Linkin Park music much differently. Each song has lyrics hidden inside about pain, lyrics you may not have ever really noticed until now. Now I hear sadness, I hear terrible deep pain, I hear the voice of a man who was struggling (not so silently) and no one knew.

I relate to them differently now, particularly the song ‘Heavy’:

The lyrics to this song perfectly describe my anxiety and OCD. The weight of the worry I carry around, the struggle to stop making everything that isn’t an issue into an issue, feeling comforted by the chaos because it is the only normal I know.

The last year has been a big growth for myself when it comes to my own mental health. I struggle with a few different mental illnesses and have had to learn how to cope with each of them separately and together.

Recently while in Atlantic City for an early birthday weekend, I got a tattoo. Adding one to the twelve others doesn’t sound like any monumental moment, but for the first time.. I added a tattoo that really represented me and meant something powerful.

In the last few weeks, I have struggled harder and deeper than my illness than ever before. Everyday life situations have become overwhelming, hard to bare, so heavy on my shoulders. I wanted a word that will remind me everyday of the strength that I have, whether I know it or not.

Fortitude (n): courage in pain or adversity

Aside from the definition, which I adore, the example sentence is what really caught my attention. “She endured her illness with great fortitude”.

I reread this sentence over and over for weeks leading up to getting the tattoo. Knowing that this word, this sentence was the perfect one for me. It was the one that would remind me daily that I am brave, I am strong, I can get through anything that comes my way. I have fortitude.

A semicolon was added in place of the letter ‘i’ because I am a firm believer in what Project Semicolon represents. For those that are not familiar, Project Semicolon is an organization dedicated to the prevention of suicide. It is based on the firm belief that suicide is preventable and everyone has a role to play to help prevent it.

“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.”

This tattoo represents the fact that you have complete control over yourself, and can choose to keep fighting, even if you feel like giving up at times. You can pause your story and start over because there is a semicolon, not a period. It is not the end.

I tell you today that I suffer from anxiety and OCD, but it wasn’t very long ago that I was taking Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Remeron, etc. to try to overcome a battle with depression. Forty pounds lighter, with no self esteem, no self worth, an abusive boyfriend, nothing going for my life.. one bottle of sleeping pills taken. If I hadn’t made the decision to make myself sick and undo what I had done, I wouldn’t be able to write this to you right now.

Whether it is anxiety, OCD, depression, bipolar, PTSD, or any of the many others.. you are not alone. There are others dealing with things just like us.

Mental health is very important. If you ever have feelings of hopelessness or thoughts of suicide – I encourage you to talk to a professional. If you struggle to get out of bed, have a compulsive tick that affects your everyday life, feel to anxious to even leave your house – I encourage you to talk to a professional.

It will be hard, but the more you talk about it and understand yourself, the easier it will get for you handle.

In case no one has told you today, you are not a burden. It is okay to be struggling. It is okay to tell people that you are struggling. Don’t suffer in silence. Tell someone. Get help. It is okay to need help. You are worth it. Please stay alive. If you are looking for a sign to stay alive, this is it. Please stay alive. People love you. You can love you. Don’t give up. You are not the exception to recovery. Tell someone. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is having thoughts of suicide, please call the hotline and talk to someone now 1(800)273-8255