Whether you have children one year apart or twelve years apart, there is usually some sort of rivalry. With two kids only fourteen months apart we have had plenty. Each stage in their lives seems to cause a different type of jealousy. So, I am sharing 5 ways to deal with sibling rivalry.
Introductions
When you first bring home a second baby to introduce to your previously only child, there may be some jealousy. Your oldest has never had to share attention, never had to worry about you taking care of someone else before them. This is a struggle for everyone involved.
Bringing home Lily was exactly that. Cam was so used to being able to get all of my attention when he needed something that we had a constant battle of sibling rivalry. I was overwhelmed and had to decide (quickly) who needed me first. In order to help big brother with his rivalry I started to ask him to help me. Asking him to get me a diaper, hold the bottle, pat baby sister, show her his toys, etc. Anything to get him to feel like he was being a good helper. This helped him to redirect his attention until we got her to calm down then we could go back to what he needed.
Attention
When our kids were three months and eighteen months, we enrolled Cam into a daycare program a few days a week. This gave me time to bond one on one with Lily the way that I had when it was just Cam and I. It also gave Cam the opportunity to explore the world, his own world, without having to play second fiddle to a newborn baby. As they got older I worked pretty hard to make sure that I spent one on one time with Cam. Sometimes this meant building a fort to eat lunch in while Lily napped. Sometimes this meant getting a sitter for Lily in order to take Cam out to do something special. Whatever you can manage, one on one time with each of your children is really crucial to remind them that they are BOTH important. This will ensure that they see that they both play a big role in your life and neither is more special than the other. Hopefully a good way to deal with sibling rivalry.
Toys
We have had a lot of struggles with our children fighting over toys. Always wanting to play with the exact same ones at the exact same time. In order to deal with sibling rivalry, we always try to redirect them to something else. “While she plays with this, why don’t you play with this”. If they cannot play nicely with the toy and continue to fight, we take it away and no one gets to play with it.
The boss
Sometimes it is easy for one child to think they are the boss of the other. At our house that role reverses depending on who is being reprimanded. Often times I am asking one child not to do something and the other chimes in repeating what I said. Do not allow this. Letting one of your children act like they are in charge is a big way of causing a rivalry between them. Neither of them are the boss of the other. Take a step back and remind them that mom and dad are the in charge. Keep on top of this to ensure that there does not become a resentment towards one another.
Violence
Children that are of a young age can get mad, unable to really tell you what is wrong, and will use violence to show frustration. If a child only has so many words it isn’t easy for them to stop and explain. They just swinging. Never allow violence to be the answer. As soon as one tries to use a violent act on the other, separate them. Talk with the violent child about what happened, why it happened, and why it isn’t allowed. We then ask our child to apologize for the violence toward their sibling. They have begun to hug it out after a smack and an apology are exchanged.
Just remember that sibling rivalry is inevitable. Even as your children grow up and become adults, they will more than likely always rival with their siblings. Having siblings is like having a friend you can fight with that will always be stuck with you. Finding the right tools to help kids sort it out is important but sometimes they will have to figure it out themselves.
Don’t get discouraged. Even when it seems like they are fighting non stop, there are so many moments when they are getting along. Moments where they play quietly, kindly, and care so much for each other. Those will outweigh all the rivalry.
