If you follow my blog you may have noticed that it has been three weeks since I published something. It has always been my goal to post three times a week. But in the earlier weeks of October I was struggling a little with content. Struggling with a crisis of my identity.
When I started writing this blog a year and a half ago, I was filled with ideas. Notepads in my phone were constantly updated with topics that I wanted to write about. Dealing with motherhood, ways to get out of the house with your kids, how to handle two under two, just to name a few.
Then suddenly I hit a wall.
Because of this imaginary wall that I had crashed into, I was struck with writers block. I didn’t feel like I had anymore tips for moms, recipes to try, rooms that I had decorated, nothing. I had nothing.
This was clearly untrue, I have plenty to offer but I didn’t feel that way. I realized that I was having a bit of a crisis. An identity crisis if you will.
At each stage of my life, I have had a different sort of identity.
I have been a lost teenage girl built with sadness, seeking approval and never really feeling accepted.
I have been a girl in her early twenties hoping from job to job, living on a cot in my parents closet after another failed relationship.
I have been a woman (almost) in her mid-twenties with a grown up job as a finance manager, finally living in her own apartment, with a real relationship.
I have been a twenty-five year old new wife with her first home, decorating every square inch, while growing a baby.
I have been a new mom learning how to take care of a teeny tiny baby boy, battling my way through postpartum anxiety and depression.
I have been a ‘seasoned’ mom taking care of two babies under two years old, in her second home, fine tuning her decorating while learning from her mistakes in the first house.
In each phase of my life I have learned and mastered a new skill set. I don’t tend to realize it in the moment, but after it passes.. I see what a helpful phase it was and all of the things that I gained from it.
Right now in this phase, because I am in it, I am struggling to see it’s lesson.
Having both children in preschool three days a week has left me with free time that I am unsure how to fill. Much of that time is spent cleaning, household tasks, and running errands. Now that time is also filled with writing and working on my social media platforms.
One day I realized that I had slowed down writing about motherhood, no longer had any tips to handling the chaos, super cute craft ideas. Now that the kids are in preschool more often, it isn’t that we don’t do fun things anymore. We just do them a little less.
I convinced myself that this meant I was being a bad mom, an inactive mom. My immediate knee jerk reaction was to pull the kids from preschool. How can I call myself a motherhood blogger if I am not parenting my children 24/7? WHAT A FRAUD. Or so I thought.
How dare I send my kids to preschool to learn all the important stuff that they need to know? Why wasn’t I homeschooling them through preschool? What kind of mother sends their kids away all day to blog?
Well, apparently thousands of others or preschools wouldn’t even exist. Snapping back to reality a little I realized that my children are well behaved in public, respectful of adults, good listeners, and have retained so much. A lot of which has come from their preschool and the fantastic teachers they are with each day. Teachers that love them like their own kids. I couldn’t ask for a better place to send them.
Once our children hit the age of 5 and head to kindergarten, they are going to be in school eight hours a day, five days a week, for many weeks, and many years. Was I going to be any less of a mom at that time? No. I will still be a mom, I am always a mom. This means I am no less of a mom while they go to preschool right now.
My identity crisis is just a sign that I was failing to see what I have to offer outside of wrangling toddlers. Forgetting what else I did besides make snacks and fetch long lost cups of milk. Losing who I am as a women.
What I failed to see at the time was that.. I don’t have the same advice I had a year ago. This comes from the fact that my children are older. Our struggles are different. I no longer have two under two. We don’t struggle with cabin fever these days because we go out and enjoy fun activities instead. The phase of my life has changed because the phase of my children’s lives has also changed.
There is still plenty of things that I can write about. New phases in my kids lives, projects I am still starting and slowly completing each day, companies that I love working with, and the list just continues to go on.
Getting inside my own head is one of my greatest downfalls. Convincing myself I don’t do enough, I’m not enough, I have nothing to offer. It is just not true.
What I have to offer my readers will evolve just as our lives all do. I can only hope that it will still be relevant to you all and as enjoyable to read. No longer will I forget what I can offer to anyone.
I’m a wife who loves her husband fiercely. With the ability to shed some light on how we keep our relationship alive despite his intense work schedule. I’m a stay at home mom whose kids are her world. With the ability to offer advice on toddler tantrums, sibling rivalry, and avoiding their bickering. I’m a daughter who has an unconventional family but loves them all just the same. With the ability to talk about what it is like to have never met my biological father, but have a full time since day one step dad. I’m a women with multiple mental illnesses that struggles everyday. With the ability to help others understands these illnesses and cope with their own.
Identity crisis averted.
