In the recent months I have started to post more openly about my mental health and more specifically my mental illnesses. The previous post, “anxiety (n): a feeling of worry” showcased what anxiety is like for me. By describing in detail all the different ways that I experience anxiety everyday, I discovered so many women I know feel the same. It has been eye-opening to have receive such positive feedback regarding my honesty.
For that reason I have decided to touch on the other mental illness that plagues me. It walks hand in hand everyday with my anxiety. No one is worse than the other, but rather they feed off of each other. This illness is OCD.
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, obsessions, and behaviors that drive them to do something over and over
Prior to being diagnosed with OCD, I always pictured those that washed their hands 9,001 times or they would lose their mind. So when the doctor first said, “yes, that sounds like mild OCD” I thought, “…no way”. The further I read into the inner workings of obsessive-compulsive disorder, the more I realized that is it so much more than that.
My OCD is keeping every book, magazine, drawing, report card, project, note, etc. Being reluctant to throw anything away because in my mind, I will need that someday.
My OCD is spending my whole life turning the TV, car radio, and stereo volume to an even number. Feeling antsy, uneasy, unsettled if they land on odd numbers. Never realizing this isn’t just a silly quirk but an actual compulsion.
My OCD is counting every step, every stair, every tile.
My OCD is thinking of something, like “who was that actor married to before..” and HAVING to find out or I will not be able to think of anything else until the question is answered.
My OCD is repeating the same task. Something like grinding my teeth, shaking my foot, rubbing my foot on the sheets in bed. Always counting. Then losing count and starting over again.
My OCD is knowing that I locked the doors but going back downstairs before bed to check, sometimes rechecking, more than once.
My OCD is excessive list making. Lists for groceries. Lists of to-dos. Lists for lists. Lists for everything.
My OCD is being annoyed with our cleaner after they leave because things weren’t put back in the same position. Then I go around the house and make sure everything is in its proper place, facing the correct way, at the correct angle.
My OCD is having a conversation with someone, anyone really, and replaying it over and over. Even a regular conversation with basic pleasantries. For an hour after talking to someone, I will still be hearing our conversation in my head. Thousand times worse if it is an important conversation.
My OCD is dwelling on relationships, mistakes, the past. Knowing it cannot be changed but still obsessing over it and replaying it in my head like a movie.
My OCD is constantly seeking reassurance. Trying obsessively to soothe my anxiety and make myself feel better even for just a second.
My OCD is washing my hands, then using hand sanitizer, then washing them again. Drying them out because I constantly feel the need to get them clean again.
Hand in hand, my anxiety and OCD partner together to make my days full of anxious thoughts that I obsess over. Rather than just having anxiety about something or feeling a little anxious about something coming up, I obsess over it until I cannot think of anything else.
There are so many different ways to feel this disorder. You don’t have to do the same one task over and over for it be considered obsessive-compulsive disorder. While mine may not be life altering, it certainly doesn’t make things any easier.
Do you suffer from OCD? What are your obsessions? How about your compulsions?
