It was late December 2008, I was nineteen years old. Carting all of my belongings around in my brand new car, barely speaking to my family, and staying with my so-called boyfriends family beach house.
We hadn’t been dating long, but it was long enough for me to be completely broken. Two months in I found out his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his baby, four months in I too was pregnant with his baby, five months in I had an abortion, and six months in I attempted suicide.
The remember the moments leading up to this so vividly. I had been laying in bed, hiding from the chaos of the party my ‘boyfriend’ at the time was throwing. He loved to have these parties where he’d invite over every girl he had ever hooked up with then make jokes about it all night. I couldn’t laugh and pretend tonight so I went to bed. After far too many beers, too many shots, too man Four Locos he came stumbling in. He was noticeably agitated with me because I skipped the event. I ignored it. Then he got in bed, rolled over towards me where my back was facing him, and whispered “no wonder your dad never wanted you”. A stab right to my stomach.
If you don’t know, my biological father has never been present in my life. To the point in which I have never even met him, despite living in the same area for an extended period of time. I had never really let it bother me because I had a father figure, but hearing someone say that out loud to me was a hard hit.
Left with myself and a bottle of Unisom, I took them two by two until it was empty. I wasn’t sure if this kind of sleeping pill would work. I wasn’t sure if the amount in this bottle was enough, but I knew what I wanted to happen. It didn’t take long before I realized what I had done and forced myself to throw up to rid myself of what I had just filled my stomach with.
You’re probably wondering why I was still there. I wondered that all the time myself. Honestly, I still don’t know. It was toxic. But after that night, I stayed with him for two and a half years.
There were both highs and lows, the highs were very high and the lows were so very, very low. So much mental and emotional abuse. Being told that you’ll never find someone else, this is the best your life will ever get, you don’t deserve anything more, etc. Waking up some mornings wondering where your boyfriend was then finding out that he was at his ex girlfriends house, coming home acting like nothing happened and you’re crazy for even questioning it. Eventually you begin to really believe that you’re the one that is losing your mind. These toxic people are such pathological liars that you start to believe them. Which I did.
Another night spent alone with myself and a pack of NyQuil. I still wasn’t sure if this was the right way to go, but it was all I had. After taking the contents of the package, I slept for many hours but woke up. Thankfully.
The chaos never ended. Until it finally did.
I thought back to that frigid December night when all I wanted to do was remove myself from the pain. To rid myself of the pit that was constantly in my stomach because of this life I was living. If I would have succeeded, I would never have been able to see that there WAS a light at the end of the tunnel and it wasn’t death. I made it to the other side, after going through a lot of hell, but I did it.
Not everyone in lucky enough to realize this in time. I never told anyone about what I had attempted or that I had wanted my life to end. I left behind the life I no longer wanted to think about. Shortly after, I got a call that no one should ever receive. My baby sisters best friend, a boy that had spent everyday at our house for years, had killed himself. I was devastated for her and had no idea how to help her. We talked about how we had never known he was struggling – he always seemed so happy. He was such a kind, friendly, upbeat kid. I realized that we had no idea who he really was. Then it dawned on me that if I had succeeded, someone else would be having this conversation with her about me.
Yesterday I watched a TV show episode (For the People) where a man hung himself before they could get to him. Then a movie (A Star is Born) where the main character was struggling so hard that he too hung himself. It hit me hard to watch these things back to back. I thought back to the moment that I found out about Chester Bennington, thinking about how distraught I was by the news. More than a normal person should be. I realized why. I began reminiscing about my own demons in life. So, I’m choosing not to be quiet about it anymore.
There is a light at the end of your struggles, I promise. I found mine in the form of a beautiful human being that I met on accident and struggled to let in, but once I did – he did not disappoint. Together we have created a wonderful life with two equally beautiful babies that I live everyday for.
No matter what pain you’re feeling, no matter what you’re going through, no matter what is causing a strain in your happiness – there is a solution. But the solution is NEVER suicide. If you or someone you know can relate to this story, my story, and are considering suicide – don’t. Please call the hotline, speak to someone – anyone, and know that it does get better.
Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Do not hesitate to call and speak to someone. This world needs YOU and everything that only you can offer. Your family needs YOU. You should never believe otherwise. There is only one you, don’t take the beautiful experience of knowing you away from the world.
